Counting Ribs: My Struggle with Anorexia-Nervosa

 Beauty. In 14 year old Lily's mind, that word meant skinny, thigh gap, negative calories, ribs, and so many other words. I thought that thin meant beautiful and any amount of fat was a bad thing, and extra small and double zero were the only acceptable sizes. While I lived in South America, the food had no additives, very organic and we didn't have access to fast food so at thirteen I was TINY. Then I moved back to the States, everyone wanted to feed us, and American food is NOT healthy, and I loved every bit of it. Slowly, my weight went up and I had gained over forty pounds. I was out-eating everyone in my house, even my dad. Then one day, the words started to come that would put me into a battle for my sanity, and my health. 

"Chunky."

"You shouldn't eat that much."

"Put that food back."

"Why don't you go and run around the neighborhood?"

This was their motivation for me, but little did they know that I was going to use those words to drive me into the ground- literally.  

words that relatives would tell me about how I was "chunky" or how I "needed to lose weight" hit me in the gut. It hit me so hard, that once we moved to another house, I was doing thousands of sit ups, wrapping my torso in plastic wrap with lotion to lose water weight, I would run for miles on little no calories. After everyone would sleep, I would be up until 3 am doing workouts for a thigh gap. If I failed to meet a weight I wanted? In comes the blade. My body was starved for food, my mind and skin starved for love. Self Love. By the time I was 16, I was anorexic and bulimic. I lied about my food, I pushed my food around on my plate and fed it to the my dogs, hit it in my sleeves. I sat in front of the mirror naked, crying because I wasn't beautiful. I wanted to die. 

I remember the first time that I saw and felt that I had a thigh gap. The first feeling I felt was pride. Why? Because I had accomplished something that I had always wanted. I did hours of wall sits, miles of running at the abandoned aggregate plant next to our house. My hip bones were showing from underneath my skirt, my hands could loop around my mid thighs. I quickly shed the weight, I went from 145 to 104 in less than six months. My clothes fell off my petite body, food tasted disgusting, sleep was my best friend. 

I grew weaker and weaker.My mind grew foggy from lack of food, I grew irritable, anxious. My depression grew stronger and I found myself in a bleaker situation than before. During this time I developed anxiety, I was very paranoid. I didn't have a menstrual cycle for months. All of this, and yet I wasn't the way that I wanted to look. My pinterest was filled with thin inspiration, quotes that would tell me that I should work harder to lose weight. I took things other people said to heart about how good I looked thin. My grandmother was so proud of how skinny I was. I would use plastic wrap and lotion to lose water weight. I would use an ACE bandage to wrap tightly around my waist to give me an hourglass figure. I would also lay in a freezing bath for over forty-five minutes to shiver so it would burn more calories. I crept down even lower of a weight. The lowest I was, was 100-102 pounds. My body was giving out on me. 

I was sixteen, almost seventeen whenever people started to notice how far gone I was. My eyes were sunken in, I zoned out more than I was present in a conversation and I was exhausted all of the time. I was sick and I felt like I was dying. 

Then it hit me. I wanted children when I was older. If I wanted a child, I knew that I needed to get better before my body was inhospitable for the rest of my life. I screamed, threw a fit, I would cry because I knew I had to get better. My parents threatened during this time to send me to a mental hospital for all of my issues. I knew I had to get better. One afternoon I was sitting in front of  my mirror (which was warped) and saw the person behind those eyes that were blood shot from lack of food and crying for hours. That person was stronger than her problems, she was more passionate than the thing that was trying to kill her. She was so kind to everyone, that she could spare some of that for herself. Above all of that, she had a God that was a Healer of all and He would heal her. That day, I made the decision to destroy my demons. I took that mirror, ran out of my room to the backyard, leaned it up against the garbage can and gave it my first kick. Don't worry, I had boots on so I didn't get injured! But with every kick, the glass shattered, so did every part of my self negativity. I was sure that this was the first step for me to move on, because in the end I knew that I was beautiful. But I knew that I was more than just beautiful, but I was STRONGER than any eating disorder that was trying to be in my way. 

I say all of this to show you that you shouldn't be afraid to speak up about your journey through an eating disorder. It's a real issue that must be brought up. Healthy eating needs to be brought up more and that it is possible to eat healthy and not restrict eating. And lastly, nothing can defeat you. You are powerful in your own right. Because through God, nothing is impossible. 

If you have an issue with an eating disorder, please feel free to email me at the email in my profile, I can give you resources and point you to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and associated Disorders. They are a wonderful association for healing and information. If you are struggling or have struggled in the past with an ED, comment CONQUER down in the comments and if you feel comfortable with sharing your story, PLEASE DO!  I would love to hear your story! Also thank you for reading my posts, the support is AMAZING!