Road To Legacy

Jesus. Church. Go to service on Sundays and pay your ties and don't ever let someone see past your oversized sweater and suede ankle boots. All of that sounds so cliche but you know it's true. When I was going through the toughest part of my mental illness I was ashamed to call myself a Christian because of my depression. But what if I told you that Jesus gets us? He walked this earth for 33 years just so that He could one hundred percent get us when we cry out to Him in those 2 am hours. What if I told you that all He sees is a child that's just lost their way and needs to be held? In an article that I read recently on the The Spychiatry Resource named "Stigma and 7 Million American Christians with Depression" written by Len Lantz, he speaks about how mmany Christiains who suffer with the disorder. Even though Christianity is associated with lower Depression rates, it doesn't mean that everyone is going to be the same. I realised that I was depressed ver...

It's taken a while. A long while. In fact, I didn't even think I should even write about it because I didn't even think it was worth writing about. But, here I am, sitting here in my office, going back to relive a pretty hard time in my recent life. I gave up my Miss Southeastern Title almost a month ago. I thought I was ready, but as I stood there watching my farewell video and allowing the memories from the past thirteen months to flood through my brain, I would have fought tooth and nail for that title to still be mine. I broke down in front of hundreds of people hoping that my velvet green gown would distract from the clumping make up and quivering lip that was so unapologetically displayed. I cried taking off my crown for the last time, I put away my sash, not wanting to look at it ever again. I placed my crown on my book shelf and turned away, already surpressing that someone else was now Miss Southeastern. That Friday, I was okay. I kept myself pretty busy, working ...

Christmas is known for the time of year, the traditions, the family get together, and wearing the festive sweaters and trying to make them look cute- even when you know that they aren't. Christmas was a little different for me this year. I actually loved the food.  As a kid, I remember eating so much during Christmas. The pound cake, and the honey glazed ham. Like the ham that I ate until I literally was sick, wasn't my best move. But going through an eating disorder and relapsing, I lost the love for holiday food. Our holidays are built around food, the entire American Culture is. I remember in recent years that I would sometimes shy away from the food at gatherings, unless I would get smaller portions, or skip on what used to be my favorite foods. Those foods made me anxious and all I saw were the numbers, and not the memories. But now, they don't. I caught myself going for seconds, seconds . I never used to do that. But now I do, and my food anxiety is almost gone. Yes, ...

 My state just went through something brutal: a Category four hurricane on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina that rampaged throughout the north shore and the New Orleans area, killing hundreds, and leaving thousands homeless. It took years to come back from and to be hit on the exact same day is insult to injury.  This was my first ever hurricane. I didn't know what to expect. The Sunday afternoon before the storm actually hit, the lights went out and we sat in the house and my heart pounded with every gust of wind that smashed into the windows. I sat in fetal position on the couch just waiting for something to happen. It was pitch black. The generator that was keeping the news going drowned out some of the noise, but the winds howled so loudly. When the spotlight was put on the trees, it looked like a giant was stirring a pot frantically trying not to let the bottom burn. It was terrifying . Later that night, water had crept up the road and for a while it was just at the m...

 Whenever I was younger, I always thought that I was supposed to be someone else. Then as I grew up, I became everything I set my mind to, every job that I ever attempted to get, I was hired. I placed in everything. I did good in everything I set my mind to. But yet I still felt that like I didn't deserve any of the accolades that I had achieved.  Welcome to Imposter Syndrome. Also known as Fraud Syndrome, imposter experience, impostorism (yes, it's spelled right). Whatever you might call this feeling, it's real. Imposter syndrome stems from the fear of failure. I was always a perfectionist growing up. I had to make straight A's, I had to be the top of my Homeschool Co-op class, and if I got lower than a ninety, I would freak out. I always felt that my worth was tied to everything that I did.  Being a titleholder, I knew that I was picked for a reason. The judges didn't make a mistake, it wasn't by accident. But sometimes, those little doubts DO creep in and try...

Good morning on this beautiful June morning. I've been up since 4 am because I have started a new summer job at my local gym, taking the morning shifts that begin at 5:15 am. That being said, tired is understatement. Starting out, I was fine, and then my life turned upside down- more than it has been since I won the Miss Southeastern Crown.      Miss Louisiana is in in 13 days, so that means extra prep time, practices, buying things for so many people- including myself. And it doesn't stop there. My life is hectic, working two jobs, and then moving out of my old apartment into a new one within two days (it's still not done by the way, boxes are EVERYWHERE). I have several appearances in the next week and a half, appointments to get myself looking my best and last minute touches on talent. Waking up before the sun even comes up. It gets a little overwhelming sometimes. I look back on the school year and I ask myself: " how in the world did I manage everything that I did...

 Happy Mental Health Awareness Month everyone! As many of you (my readers) know, I am a survivor of Depression, Anxiety, and Anorexia. To pay tribute to this month and what I stand for, I have reached out to other titleholders across the nation and asked them to share their story with me so I can bring it to you. Last post, we had Miss Mile High, Shannon. This week, we have Miss Lancaster County, Kayla Myers! Her social impact Initiative is #choosehealth. She is vying for the job title of Miss Pennsylvania that will be held on June 17-19, 2021!  1: What made you choose your SII? I chose my social impact initiative #ChooseHealth as health and fitness has dramatically changed my life for the better and has allowed me to flourish as an individual. I believe a healthy lifestyle is important for everyone as there are innumerable benefits of living a healthy lifestyle, such as preventing disease, improving mental health, relieving stress, and creating a space for socialization. It i...

 As time moves on, I realize that I am not the only one who has suffered through the lonely road of mental and eating disorders, Shannon Hannaway, a fellow titleholder based out of Colorado, was generous enough to share her story with all of us! 1: how has mental and eating disorders affected you?   Besides seeing it from the outside watching loved ones struggle and die by suicide, I have been impacted by mental illness for as long as I can remember. Growing up I had anxiety with panic attacks, but due to a lack of education and awareness I didn’t know that was what I was experiencing. It took a head injury and Children’s Hospital Colorado for me to get the help and diagnosis I needed from their concussion team. With their help, medication, and therapy I was able to get my anxiety managed and actually came off all of it completely by the time I graduated high school. Unfortunately, my freshman year of college I experienced severe emotional trauma that led to PTSD, and unipolar...

I was born and raised a non-denominational Christian with more of a traditional Pentecostal twist. I was raised on the mission field, I was raised with the thought that mental health was demon possession/ oppression. The bible does talk about people who were possessed by demons that did have similar symptoms to mental health disorders, but obviously, they are not the same thing.  As I have mentioned before, my depression didn't hit me until I was 13-14 years old, but I was mostly silent about it because of my upbringing. I remember when I told my mother that I had attempted to kill myself and she grabbed me and screamed a prayer over me. Now that I am older, I can understand the panic but as a thirteen year old child, I was scared out of my mind. Not only was I brought up in a Christian household that had conservative, traditionalist views on the matter, I was saved when I was six years old and have been a Christian my whole life. As a Christian, it's hard to understand why the...

 As the number of degrees lower throughout the beginning of December, so do the number of finals on my plate. Finals have always been a dreaded time for me... most of the time. This time of year meant being away from my routine, people who were my support system and diving back into passive aggressiveness, fights, and verbal punches from relatives that I stayed with for the month and a half because of how I handled myself.  This was the story of every one of my winter breaks. My family didn't approve of my boyfriend, my degree change, or just the overall any type of decision I made for myself. I dreaded breaks, because I knew what it meant. It meant sleepless nights, walking on eggshells, and waking up to have an almost daily debate match between me and my parents.  Everyone knows that suicide rates increase during the holidays. Another type of Depression is also brought on by the winter time: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It is seen to be brought on by decreasing da...

I know I have written about my past experiences with what is now my social impact initiative, but to fully understand the meaning of why I am running this blog, you must know the updates on the Miss Southeastern Pageant that I am competing in come January.    I have seventy eight days until the  Miss Southeastern 2021 pageant. That's it. 78.... At first it was eight months, than not knowing if it was going to happen, and now... we are in the double digits and beginning mandatory meetings. My talent has improved, my interview answers have become more concise, professional and articulate. My dresses are almost done. It's almost showtime here in Hammond, America, and Lily Cate is almost ready to take the stage.  There are fifteen contestants total.  One of them is one of my closest friends, I finally got her to compete. Competing with someone you know makes the experience so much better Which is nice. We had our first mandatory meeting on Friday, taking headsh...

 Whenever I recovered from Situational depression, anxiety and my eating disorder, I always knew that it would be a part of me. I am a soldier, a warrior and a survivor. But even a soldier has flashbacks.  I don't self harm anymore, and I don't starve myself anymore, and I don't lay in bed all day driven to that dark place because I don't feel good enough, but there are some days when I see the world a little grayer than usual.  Situational Depression is brought upon a person due to the situation(s) that they have been placed in by other people, friends, jobs, and/or themselves. It's somewhat harder to diagnose because it's brought on by an event for most, and not exactly a chemical imbalance in their brain.  There have been situations here recently that have made my day a little harder than most. A project that didn't make the grade I wanted, or waiting in the Emergency room for too long when ever I dislocated my pinkie toe. The main one was today, when a t...

 In my earlier posts, I spoke about my depression. I was never diagnosed with clinical depression, but I suffered from situational depression. You may be wondering what situational depression is, or why it's even called that.  According to Healthline.com, situational depression is defined as: " short-term, stress-related type of depression. It can develop after you experience a traumatic event or series of events. Situational Depression is a type of adjustment disorder. It can make it hard for you to adjust your everyday life following a traumatic event. It is also known as reactive depression."  Symptoms vary depending on age, gender, and situation. SD (situational depression) symptoms are:  1) hopelessness 2) lack of focus 3) regular crying 4) feeling overwhelmed 5) Avoiding usual social interaction with people 6) the biggest one being thoughts and/or attempts of suicide The list goes on for every, but there are few symptoms that many people-including myself- have ...

 Beauty. In 14 year old Lily's mind, that word meant skinny, thigh gap, negative calories, ribs, and so many other words. I thought that thin meant beautiful and any amount of fat was a bad thing, and extra small and double zero were the only acceptable sizes. While I lived in South America, the food had no additives, very organic and we didn't have access to fast food so at thirteen I was TINY. Then I moved back to the States, everyone wanted to feed us, and American food is NOT healthy, and I loved every bit of it. Slowly, my weight went up and I had gained over forty pounds. I was out-eating everyone in my house, even my dad. Then one day, the words started to come that would put me into a battle for my sanity, and my health.  "Chunky." "You shouldn't eat that much." "Put that food back." "Why don't you go and run around the neighborhood?" This was their motivation for me, but little did they know that I was going to use those ...

 No one wants to say that they attempted suicide, or even thought about it at thirteen years old- much less fifteen and sixteen years old. No one wants to think that they would have scars that they had no funny story about, but I did.  There are over 70% of people who self-harm. I was a part of that statistic. I was a happy child, until my life got turned upside down. Once I moved back to the U.S. I was overwhelmed with culture shock, my body changing, and being an outsider in my own country. We moved to a rural part of Louisiana, into a three bedroom house, where I had no idea how much my life would change. How I learned about self-harm? From a girl that I considered my best friend at the time. It was a great friendship, and I didn't understand what self-harm was until the moment I slipped up. At fourteen, I betrayed her, and lied to my parents.  I felt worthless. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to do penance for my betrayal of the only friend that I had. After that, I...

I'm back, and ready to dive into the hard stuff. As a child, I had a pretty good childhood. Family Nights every Friday night, my mom reading me American Girl books, being home-schooled, and going to swim at the local sim club a few blocks from where we used to live once we settled down.  We settled down in the middle of the city known as Piura, Peru. Piura was in the middle of the desert, around 14 hours from the Capital, Lima, an hour or two from the mountains and an hour from one of the most gorgeous beaches you could ever imagine: Colan. Once we were established it was a great life. I had rabbits, had a few dogs, took care of my siblings and I didn't know any better. That was my life and for all I knew I was going to be staying there.  As a child, I would get sad. For example, when my rabbit died, or when my little puppy died from distemper. But I never knew what being depressed was, or what being depressed even meant. Sometimes, I would stumble across something my mother w...