Bathtub Sobs: Girl Don't Suppress Your Emotions.

It's taken a while. A long while. In fact, I didn't even think I should even write about it because I didn't even think it was worth writing about. But, here I am, sitting here in my office, going back to relive a pretty hard time in my recent life. I gave up my Miss Southeastern Title almost a month ago. I thought I was ready, but as I stood there watching my farewell video and allowing the memories from the past thirteen months to flood through my brain, I would have fought tooth and nail for that title to still be mine. I broke down in front of hundreds of people hoping that my velvet green gown would distract from the clumping make up and quivering lip that was so unapologetically displayed. I cried taking off my crown for the last time, I put away my sash, not wanting to look at it ever again. I placed my crown on my book shelf and turned away, already surpressing that someone else was now Miss Southeastern. That Friday, I was okay. I kept myself pretty busy, working out in my own little world, blaring music with my hoodie so far over my head I looked like the Grim Reaper, repping weight I had never repped before. My legs hated me after that workout. My friend could see that something was wrong, even though I said "Nah, man. I'm fine." I wasn't fine. I had just given up something I had worked so hard on. I felt like I was discarded, abandoned, yesterday's old news. That's how I felt- even though I knew that I shouldn't have. I had allowed it be my life, be my label. And I shouldn't have. I knew that I was tough. I knew I was strong enough to withstand pretty much anything. Until I wasn't. I broke down in the bathtub when I finally let myself feel. I sobbed until I couldn't breathe. I let all the emotions just take over and I shook, I was angry, sad, anxious, depressed. And that's okay. Surpressing emotions isn't healthy. It's not good. It's not okay. Just because I thought that I was tough enough to deal with it, didn't mean I didn't feel what was going on. It was a huge stepping stone in my life. BUt that's all it was...a stepping stone. And letting it out the way that I did, helped me realize that. Surpressing emotions does nothing but harm you and your mental health. It causes distress and even more depression, fear and anxiety. And the more that you do it, or happens it'll become a habit that's hard to break and cause problems long term. Long story short... IT'S NOT WORTH IT. Take it from me. It's okay to feel, it's okay to cry and scream two hours in the bathtub. But with that being said... you can't just stay there. It's alright to fall, but you can't stay on the ground. You have to get up and you have to dust yourself off and bring your eyes up, fix your crown and keep on walking. That's what happened to me. Now? I've been studying, training, and getting ready for a bigger opportunity: the Miss Louisiana Crown. If I stayed in the funk, then my mind wouldn't be prepared for the next big thing. But sometimes, it's okay to step back and let everything out because if you hold on to things, then you won't be able to make room for bigger and better things that sure to come your way. Yes. I gave up my Miss Southeastern title. Yes, I'm no longer queen of Hammond. But I'm still Lily. I'm still that go getter, that fighter, that passionate person who will always love relentlessly. I have so much in store for me and Miss Southeastern just set me up for a bigger runway, bigger stage, a higher cieling...that I'm meant to break.