World's a Little Grayer Right Now: It's Okay to have Bad Days

 Whenever I recovered from Situational depression, anxiety and my eating disorder, I always knew that it would be a part of me. I am a soldier, a warrior and a survivor. But even a soldier has flashbacks. 

I don't self harm anymore, and I don't starve myself anymore, and I don't lay in bed all day driven to that dark place because I don't feel good enough, but there are some days when I see the world a little grayer than usual. 

Situational Depression is brought upon a person due to the situation(s) that they have been placed in by other people, friends, jobs, and/or themselves. It's somewhat harder to diagnose because it's brought on by an event for most, and not exactly a chemical imbalance in their brain. 

There have been situations here recently that have made my day a little harder than most. A project that didn't make the grade I wanted, or waiting in the Emergency room for too long when ever I dislocated my pinkie toe. The main one was today, when a text arrived from my mother saying that they were going to have to put our dog, Jack, down possibly this week. When I read that message I could feel the sky become gloomy and the clouds darken. My back felt heavy and there has been a lump in my throat all day long. I texted my boyfriend, saying that I didn't want to do anything. My creativity at the internship I work at was gone because I didn't know how I was going to say bye to the only dog left after my other dog died a few years ago. My thoughts consumed by Jack and how much pain he is in, but at the same time not wanting him to be put down. All I want to do is curl up in my bed back home and not leave. But I know I can't do that because I have a job to do. Homework is still required and assignments must meet deadlines. I just know that I am not myself today, I probably won't be this week- and that's okay. 

Why is this okay? Because I am HUMAN. Humans have bad days, sad days, and mad days. I accept that I am going to be down and I know that I will always get back up because that's what soldiers do. Recovery doesn't mean 100% cured, there will be times when you feel that urge to watch your food intake, there will be that time when you have a fleeting thought about staying in your room in the corner crying for hours, there will be that time that your throat tightens up when you feel like life is looming over your head and you have no way to clear the air. And there will be days where that does happen. But don't let that affect your way of living NOW. Relapses are all too common place for me and the biggest thing that helped me was having an amazing support system and talking to an on campus mental health counselor. Being able to talk about the way I was feeling without any judgement was what made me take the steps towards recovery. 

Another thing is not to beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. If you've come from where I come from in the realm of disorders, than you will have those thoughts, but you can't let them win, but you also need to understand that if you push them down, that they will come back stronger and harm you in a way that you never intentioned them to. So please, take my advice: it's okay to have an icky day, accept the fact that you are human (I have to accept that fact every day of my life because I push myself way too much), and have a good support system. Most times they mean the difference between life or death, consistent recovery and consistent relapse. Stay strong, loves. You're all warriors.