Calling A Cease Fire: Forgiveness

I sat here, looking at my blank computer screen just wondering how in the world would I even begin this next post. In all honesty, I could just shrug my shoulders and say "heck with it." and not even write about this topic, but... I believe that it needed to be talked about. Especially for me. 

Forgiveness. It's a hard pill to swallow most times. Many of us have been hurt by people that we love, people that we watched out for, cared about and then all the sudden they throw you under the bus and use you only when they feel its beneficial to themselves. Others don't own up to their mistakes genuinely and disrespect your feelings, decisions, and life goals. All of this absolutely sucks...trust me, I know first hand. 

The Webster's Dictionary definition of forgiveness is: "to cease to feel resentment against an offender. " To cease feeling resentment? That's a lot easier said than done. Have you ever really thought about that before? I started thinking about that this week after a situation regarding a few people that have been a source of a lot of heartbreak and pain. It's been a year and then some change that I have let them back in my life and I don't really see when they ever would be back in my life because they keep showing their true colors over and over. 

I've constantly told myself and others:" I've forgiven them. I don't hold any ill will against them at all." And I don't...not anymore. I knew that I had forgiven them on Miss Louisiana Finals Night. It's crazy how Miss Louisiana does things like this. But the people in question were there with someone I absolutely needed to see. Long story short, I was able to see the person that I wanted to see, but I ended up hugging the two people that have wronged, disrespected and hurt me in so many ways. 

In that moment, I held no resentment towards them. I wasn't soft with them, but I was still the bigger person. Because I forgave them, I was able to see my little sister. Because I forgave them, I was able to walk away knowing that I had just accomplished something that they had never done before. Because I forgave them, the Lord blessed me beyond measure. Because I forgave them, I have been able to move on and create something of myself.

I'm not saying this because I would go back to that way of life. I wouldn't, I know what's best for me. And I'm not saying forget WHY you left that particular situation in the first place. I'm saying don't hold onto unforgiveness because all it's doing is poisoning who you are as a person. I know firsthand that unforgiveness has played a part in my mental health. It's caused an absolute whirlwind of chaos in my life. It's been proven that unforgiveness causes stress, depression, anxiety, and insecurity. Why carry that around with you whenever the offender may not even know that you still hold it against them. 

Something else that could possibly be a question is: what if I've forgiven these people for the wrongs they've done to me, but what about others? Can you forgive them for that? This has happened on two occasions, twice with a pair of siblings that I know. Their parents have always been hard on them, it was a toxic environment that quite recently they both were able to escape, but not without a fight. Both instances there have been altercations and as someone who cannot even believe touching your child in such a fit of violence, I don't know how I will ever- IF ever- see this offender as a decent human being again. I have never wanted to shake someone and yell at them for what they had done as much as these two instances. Never hurt your child. Never be physically violent with your child. In the end, all it does is cause a world of hurt. In the end, you will have to forgive. You will remember, and only time can heal, but Jesus still forgave thousands of years of sins for BILLIONS of people while he was flayed, whipped, beaten, pierced, and nailed to a criminal's cross and yet He still loves us. He forgave us "because they know not what they do." Forgiveness...is a big deal.

Another part of unforgiveness I want to cover is the unforgiveness of yourself. I've done many things, some good, some bad- some stupid, some just plain awful. That sometimes is the hardest thing to forgive especially whenever you know that you could have done something different to stop or change the course of the event. The things that I have done have changed me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I thought I was unlovable, I lost my best friend when I was fourteen years old because of a choice to lie about something rather than tell the truth all because I was fearful. 

I was angry at myself for choosing between two young men at one point, to the extent that I was so guilty that I ended up hurting my own self. I was so angry with myself in high school, I drove myself to self harm, starvation and unending pain. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing in the entire world to do- it was for me anyways. 

But GOD. 

Isn't that just amazing how He always shows up. He knew that I needed to go through what I went through to grow. He knew I needed that painful experience so that I would be able to safe guard others and teach forgiveness and strength and persistence. On many occasions, I have been able to share my story and help others. I have forgiven myself for years now, but being able to look back to see everything that I was put through, put others through, and put myself through, I see that there was a bigger purpose in mind and now that I see it from that perspective, I see that forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give to anyone. God thought so too.