To Place or Not to Place: Finding Peace in the Unknown

 Hi again... I know, it's been a while and I didn't mean for that to happen, but it did. Life just caught up with me and everything finally has been able to be caught up with, neatly put in a planner and put away in a basket. Life is back to normal...almost. Miss Louisiana was officially a month ago and what a week that was. So many memories made, walls broken through and decisions made and hearts made to be put at peace. 

I say that last little phrase because I'm not used to being unplaced. In everything I've ever done I've always placed, except for maybe that talent show during my first year at bible camp with a red head that thought we could be the country duo Maddie and Tae. But in everything else I've always been in the top half of competition- whether it be in broadcast, writing, journalist, talent etc. I've never lost. I know that sounds crazy but it's true.  I don't know what it's like to truly lose. Well yeah, the LSU vs. Bama game back in 2011 or the Riverbell classic of 2019, but I woke up the next day no richer or poorer than I had been to begin with. Those competitions didn't benefit me, but all the others did. 

I knew that I didn't want to be Miss Louisiana this year, because I hadn't found my "why". My "why" was still on campus, walking through downtown, running the turf at Strawberry Stadium, my "why" was the green and gold. How could I have left that for a life in Monroe, Louisiana while everything I ever loved went on without me four hours away from where I'd be living. How could I leave my school? The first day of competition I knew that I didn't want to win, but I wanted to place. I wanted to place so badly that I could taste it. You ever feel like that? You make playoffs and the championship is so close that you can taste it? Yeah, it's that type of feeling. But I knew that me making the top ten would be difficult. I mean come on, there were twenty-nine other girls, some with a few more competitions under their belt. How in the world could I compete against them? 

It got to the point that I began doubting myself. I was having the rush of emotions that made me want to cling to the validation that I thought winning something would give me. Along with this there was a situation that made everything feel so unfair and I was just overcome with feelings of fear and worry. I was totally a bed of nerves. I had made me a mat on the stage with my bedspread and pillows but no matter what I tried, I just couldn't fall asleep. The echoes of doubt just running circles through my mind and as I lay there I thought: " I just need a Jesus moment."

Now you see, I had been on the verge of tears for those last three days. Why? Not so sure, you just are sleep deprived, sore, blistered, and just so overwhelmed with everything you are just an emotional wreck, but in a good way. You kind of just don't want the week to end. Although I was on the verge of crying I could never cry. I never was like that. I got up, grabbed my phone and went to the little corridor where I warmed up for talent, put on a worship playlist, starting off with the song "Redeemer" by Nicole C. Mullins. Then that's when the waterworks began. It started off just as a trickle, but then I couldn't stop no matter what I tried to do. I repeated Jesus over and over again, I prayed for strength, the future Miss Louisiana, I told Him how bad I wanted top ten and that I wanted to be known, I wanted to prove that I was capable of things larger than myself. Then the song " Who am I" by Casting Crowns came on and next thing you know, I'm on my knees crying out to God with the words to the song. If you don't know it, I highly suggest listening because it is such a good song. But the song talks about how we are so minuscule in God's huge plan, that He is never ending, eternal, He has been there through everything and how we are just specks of dust compared to the eternal glory that He is, but yet He still knows us by name and knows the desires of our hearts. That's when my heart absolutely broke. But in a wondrous way. All of the fear, the doubt, the anger, the frustration- all of it just melted away because I knew that I didn't need a bigger crown in my life to know that I was whole. He made whole two thousand years ago and the label of God's daughter really sealed the deal for me. I knew who I was and I was comfortable with not placing or walking away with anything because I was about to walk away with the biggest gift, knowing that my Heavenly Father had branded His name on me the moment I accepted Christ that He was, is and will be. He has always been with me through everything that I had ever been through and that meant more to me than a Miss Louisiana title, or the money, or the fancy dresses could ever mean. 

You see, the world likes to do that. Dangle all of these trinkets, goals and label type mindsets in front of your face. "If I'm this way, I'll belong." or  "If I wear this and lose weight, people will finally like me.". It's not about that, the end goal should never be the earthly treasures or a fat bank account because God has given us everything to live richly, that's His son, and I know that a lot of us are materialistic, but if you just step back and actually realize that the breath in your lungs is from Him, your skin, your eyes, your face, your heartbeat are from Him than you realize that He is absolutely touchable, tangible, and loveable and that in the end...all those titles, placements, labels and worldly treasures are worth nothing in the long run. 

Oh, by the way... I went on that stage that night, no nerves, at peace, and no sweaty hands and I stood there, cheering for the girls that got called. And then...I got called. I did it. But, I did it, not by my own strength, but by His alone. He was the one that got me there and He would be the one to see me through. Isn't that funny how He works? As soon as you set your eyes on Him, then everything else just falls straight into the wholes of the puzzle where He knew they had to be.