Time out: Taking Time for Yourself in the Game

What happened to get me to this place? I look around and know that I'm worth so much more, but yet I feel stuck in one place constantly spreading myself thin like butter that's quickly melting on a piece of fresh toast. I feel translucent, vulnerable...melted. These past few weeks have been hard and I just don't know how to describe it in a professional way, I guess. I hit a breaking point, I've supressed too much and I guess it's finally gotten to me. If you've read anything from my blog, I've mentioned being a people pleaser, that's who I am. I've always been that way, from a child to now- a people pleaser. I'm an overachiever, a perfectionist and someone who is so goal oriented and motivated and sometimes it really does bite me in the back. I was taking care of so many other people that I didn't feel my own cup. I was like a little girl playing make believe, pouring from a teapot into cups that wasn't full except for something that I thought was there. There is a time in life where there will be a breaking point. Not rock bottom, I've been at rock bottom and what I've been feeling is better than that, but it's still a point in life where it's difficult to get up and sometimes you just want to stay on the ground because you're too tired to even lift your head and you just want to close your eyes and let whatever happens happen. That's how I've felt for last month or so. I've been MIA and I'm sorry about that, but lately I've just needed to focus on getting better. Lately, I've not felt 100% physically. I thought that it was just me being tired and overworked, but as time went on, I could feel myself getting sicker easier and taking longer to get better. Horrible times of the month, to the point I was in tears and couldn't walk. Stomach flu that would last for days and take weeks to get my strength back. That's when I knew that I needed to go to the Doctor. So I went. My friend Baliegh went with me and we talked about how I had been feeling and I brought the entire list of things that I had been feeling to the doctor and she ordered a whole workup of blood and that I'd come back the next week. So I did. Gave like 12 vials of blood and I patiently waited for the next week and I didn't hear what I wanted to hear that next thursday. "Your blood work is fine. Your thyroid antibodies were up but that's what's been going on anyways. I am ordering you a thyroid ultrasound because your thyroid is enlarged." Cool. That was an answer...right? Not the one that I wanted to hear because I knew that my antibodies were going to be high. I have Hashimoto's so I knew what the drill was but there was nothing else wrong? I felt like there was. I was tired, run down. I was frustrated with everything. And then she asked: " Have you felt depressed or anxious these last few weeks?" I had to choke down a lump in my throat and I said yes. I actually let myself realized that I hadn't been myself. I was actually cracking. My doctor looked at me and told me: "Lily...you're working yourself to death. That' why you feel this way. I'm going to perscribe you antidepressants. Come back in a month and let's talk about how you feel on it." I agreed and began taking it that Friday. But I was frustrated. I thought something was wrong. I knew something was wrong and I called Jordan after I got back to the little girl's house that I nanny for and I just broke. I was overwhelmed, I was exhuasted, I was weak and worn out. I was tired of being a doormat and being spread so thin. It was making me physically sick. The medicine made me even sicker and thoughts I hadn't had for years reared their ugly heads. I immediately got off of it and was put on a new medicine and I'm slowly getting used to it. I saw all of this to tell you: don't wait until the very last minute to say something. To pull back from everything that you do. I'm extremely competitiv, a motivated person and when I put my mind to something, then I want to accomplish it at whatver cost. That's just how I am and always will be. But sometimes I don't know when to stop. But now, I had no choice but to stop. I went to counseling on campus and that's really what helped me step back and look at everything I was doing and I thought, "wow...I need to take a step back and just be me. Take time for myself." Have you ever felt like that? Where you feel like you need to put your hand in literally everything? Yep...that's how I am. A game? I'll be there. Need me for work two hours early? I'll be there thirty minutes before you need me. Need me to stay late or run an errand let me grab my keys and an energy drink. I. will. be. there. That's just me and how I am. I love being able to do something for people but when was the last time that I did something for myself? I'm not saying be selfish and self-absorbed. I'm saying step back and refill your cup because you can't serve if you don't take care of yourself and fuel your tank with things you love to do. If that means stepping away from a title, a job or significant other, than do it. Please. Learn from me. Fill your tank up and take time for yourself. Don't live with any regrets. Please. I'm not. I'm actually going to New York for spring break, doing something that I've never done in my life. But the flights are booked and I leave next Friday to have fun and experience something that I've always wanted to experience. I love history and what is New York full of? History. I get to go to Broadway and see Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen. I get to go and do somethingt that I want to do. That's called taking care of yourself. That's called watching out for yourself. That's called letting yourself take time and heal. I've been hurt and beat down lately. So taking this break from everyone and diving into finding myself again will mean so much. It's time for me to get back up and hold my head high because I am finally doing something for me. And there's nothing wrong with that. Some people may call you selfish or concieted or anything but don't let it get to you. People will always say that if they are used to having you at their beck and call. Stay firm and know that you need a break. You need to get away and just be you. And sometimes that's all it takes to get stronger. If no one has told you lately, I love you. I'm proud of you. I will always be in your corner.