Road To Legacy

It's taken a while. A long while. In fact, I didn't even think I should even write about it because I didn't even think it was worth writing about. But, here I am, sitting here in my office, going back to relive a pretty hard time in my recent life. I gave up my Miss Southeastern Title almost a month ago. I thought I was ready, but as I stood there watching my farewell video and allowing the memories from the past thirteen months to flood through my brain, I would have fought tooth and nail for that title to still be mine. I broke down in front of hundreds of people hoping that my velvet green gown would distract from the clumping make up and quivering lip that was so unapologetically displayed. I cried taking off my crown for the last time, I put away my sash, not wanting to look at it ever again. I placed my crown on my book shelf and turned away, already surpressing that someone else was now Miss Southeastern. That Friday, I was okay. I kept myself pretty busy, working ...

  My name is Amanda and this is my story. Food and I have never really gotten along. In addition to being a severely picky eater, food was never really enjoyable for me. While the majority of the population treats food as a positive experience to spend time with friends and family, there are some people in the world who would rather avoid the hassle entirely. Guess which one I am? As I continued through high school and college, food got harder and my body image got worse. When my sophomore year of college came around, things were pretty rough. I had been diagnosed with anorexia and was seeing a therapist, dietician, and doctor. My friends and family knew I needed help, but they didn’t know what to do. The eating disorder voice was so loud. I spent the majority of each day thinking about food, or really how to avoid it. I stepped on a scale any chance I got, and couldn’t even think about my body without being disgusted. I had a goal weight in mind, and I was desperate to hit it. T...

  It started out safe. A lap around the circle outside my Livingston home, eating one burger instead of two. Then somehow, it all went downhill from there. The positive comments coming from my ballroom champion, miss Baton Rouge 1960 grandmother, my clothes fitting looser than before. It all stirred up the perfect storm. One lap turned into ten, 20 crunches turned into 400 crunches, and one burger turned into a spoon of peanut butter every two days. I was anorexic. I was addicted to the appearance of bones, thin. I remember going to see someone and their baby with my family, but before that we stopped at BabysRus and telling my sister I couldn't feel my thighs rub together when I walked. I was so conscious of my thighs. She looked at me so confused. From there, I don't remember much else besides the notebooks filled with scratches of a pen to stop me from self harming as much as I could because 16 year old me hated myself. Crying at night while I did wall sits becaus...

  NEDA week is here! My mental health and my eating is something I always struggled with. Growing up I don’t remember many parts of my childhood because I have mentally blocked out the times I struggled.  Growing up I would always wonder, why me? Why did I have to fight what felt like this all alone battle with myself, my body, and my self worth.  I don’t deserve this. It came down to always needing to be more, be better, feeling like I had no worth and a craving to be loved.   Anorexia and many other eating disorders for me personally had little to do with wanting to be small, but everything to do with not feeling good enough, comparison, and not being happy with something about myself on the inside. I look at these two photos. Now I am blessed that I am healthy and happy, in a great point of life, in healthy relationships, and have so much joy, passion and purpose.   I look back on me in the other photo, not genuine, struggling to smile, no...

 I found out five minutes before going live during worship night at my church. Just scrolling through my instagram stories and I see a friend share the post. Cheslie Kryst, Miss USA 2019, my first Miss USA, fell to her death in the early morning hours yesterday. What was I doing around that time? Getting ready to sing for worship service as one of the main singers. I was terrified, and so unknowing of what was going on in the world around me. Maybe if I had been on my phone and had seen her post, maybe I could have done something?  Her death has been felt around the world and to lose someone so young, so brilliant, and so loving- it's something that's incredibly hard to stomach. I'm sitting at work and I'm STILL looking at my phone, hoping that it was just a mean joke and she's alive and well. I still can't even comprehend.   Suicide. It's not a joke. It's not romantic. It's not something that people should take lightly. We are thirty one days into 2...

Christmas is known for the time of year, the traditions, the family get together, and wearing the festive sweaters and trying to make them look cute- even when you know that they aren't. Christmas was a little different for me this year. I actually loved the food.  As a kid, I remember eating so much during Christmas. The pound cake, and the honey glazed ham. Like the ham that I ate until I literally was sick, wasn't my best move. But going through an eating disorder and relapsing, I lost the love for holiday food. Our holidays are built around food, the entire American Culture is. I remember in recent years that I would sometimes shy away from the food at gatherings, unless I would get smaller portions, or skip on what used to be my favorite foods. Those foods made me anxious and all I saw were the numbers, and not the memories. But now, they don't. I caught myself going for seconds, seconds . I never used to do that. But now I do, and my food anxiety is almost gone. Yes, ...

 Here I am... five days from graduation. FIVE. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be the first person in my family to graduate, yet here I am. These past few years have not been a cakewalk. If anything, just the opposite.  These past few weeks, I have faced a ton of obstacles- especially mentally. I have been dragged by all limbs to ever corner of the world and I am tired.  Maybe tired is an understatement, but it's true. I have four jobs and two internships plus being a titleholder, sometimes my mental health gets put on the back burner and that shouldn't be taken lightly. But for a while... I did. With Christmas coming up, I stare at the Christmas decorations I have just put up and we are what? Like a week from Christmas? I know, I'm a little behind schedule, but I guess deep down I've buried the reason.  Last April was the last time I talked to my parents due to an extremely toxic situation. Last Christmas was the first Christmas ever ...