Road To Legacy

 I found out five minutes before going live during worship night at my church. Just scrolling through my instagram stories and I see a friend share the post. Cheslie Kryst, Miss USA 2019, my first Miss USA, fell to her death in the early morning hours yesterday. What was I doing around that time? Getting ready to sing for worship service as one of the main singers. I was terrified, and so unknowing of what was going on in the world around me. Maybe if I had been on my phone and had seen her post, maybe I could have done something?  Her death has been felt around the world and to lose someone so young, so brilliant, and so loving- it's something that's incredibly hard to stomach. I'm sitting at work and I'm STILL looking at my phone, hoping that it was just a mean joke and she's alive and well. I still can't even comprehend.   Suicide. It's not a joke. It's not romantic. It's not something that people should take lightly. We are thirty one days into 2...

Christmas is known for the time of year, the traditions, the family get together, and wearing the festive sweaters and trying to make them look cute- even when you know that they aren't. Christmas was a little different for me this year. I actually loved the food.  As a kid, I remember eating so much during Christmas. The pound cake, and the honey glazed ham. Like the ham that I ate until I literally was sick, wasn't my best move. But going through an eating disorder and relapsing, I lost the love for holiday food. Our holidays are built around food, the entire American Culture is. I remember in recent years that I would sometimes shy away from the food at gatherings, unless I would get smaller portions, or skip on what used to be my favorite foods. Those foods made me anxious and all I saw were the numbers, and not the memories. But now, they don't. I caught myself going for seconds, seconds . I never used to do that. But now I do, and my food anxiety is almost gone. Yes, ...

 Here I am... five days from graduation. FIVE. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be the first person in my family to graduate, yet here I am. These past few years have not been a cakewalk. If anything, just the opposite.  These past few weeks, I have faced a ton of obstacles- especially mentally. I have been dragged by all limbs to ever corner of the world and I am tired.  Maybe tired is an understatement, but it's true. I have four jobs and two internships plus being a titleholder, sometimes my mental health gets put on the back burner and that shouldn't be taken lightly. But for a while... I did. With Christmas coming up, I stare at the Christmas decorations I have just put up and we are what? Like a week from Christmas? I know, I'm a little behind schedule, but I guess deep down I've buried the reason.  Last April was the last time I talked to my parents due to an extremely toxic situation. Last Christmas was the first Christmas ever ...

 I sit here on my couch, still in my pajamas, and wondering what the heck is going on with life. September has turned into the month of obstacles. From the hurricane to some personal situations. It hasn't been my month. My boyfriend described me as the "rock" in life. The one who is always level, always the same no matter what happens. And it's true, I am always the same person because I don't think that things should ever change my attitude. But sometimes... it's hard to be the rock. When you're a leader, you can show emotion, you can bend, but you can never break in public. No one should know what actually is effecting you. They see you as the one to go to, not the one that goes to someone else. That's what I am. Someone has a problem? Lily knows what to do. Someone doesn't want to have a conversation? It's okay, Lily will bring it up and she will figure out a goal. Lily is the one to give the effort. Not saying that I've broken, but I am...

 My state just went through something brutal: a Category four hurricane on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina that rampaged throughout the north shore and the New Orleans area, killing hundreds, and leaving thousands homeless. It took years to come back from and to be hit on the exact same day is insult to injury.  This was my first ever hurricane. I didn't know what to expect. The Sunday afternoon before the storm actually hit, the lights went out and we sat in the house and my heart pounded with every gust of wind that smashed into the windows. I sat in fetal position on the couch just waiting for something to happen. It was pitch black. The generator that was keeping the news going drowned out some of the noise, but the winds howled so loudly. When the spotlight was put on the trees, it looked like a giant was stirring a pot frantically trying not to let the bottom burn. It was terrifying . Later that night, water had crept up the road and for a while it was just at the m...

 Whenever I was younger, I always thought that I was supposed to be someone else. Then as I grew up, I became everything I set my mind to, every job that I ever attempted to get, I was hired. I placed in everything. I did good in everything I set my mind to. But yet I still felt that like I didn't deserve any of the accolades that I had achieved.  Welcome to Imposter Syndrome. Also known as Fraud Syndrome, imposter experience, impostorism (yes, it's spelled right). Whatever you might call this feeling, it's real. Imposter syndrome stems from the fear of failure. I was always a perfectionist growing up. I had to make straight A's, I had to be the top of my Homeschool Co-op class, and if I got lower than a ninety, I would freak out. I always felt that my worth was tied to everything that I did.  Being a titleholder, I knew that I was picked for a reason. The judges didn't make a mistake, it wasn't by accident. But sometimes, those little doubts DO creep in and try...

I sat here, looking at my blank computer screen just wondering how in the world would I even begin this next post. In all honesty, I could just shrug my shoulders and say "heck with it." and not even write about this topic, but... I believe that it needed to be talked about. Especially for me.  Forgiveness. It's a hard pill to swallow most times. Many of us have been hurt by people that we love, people that we watched out for, cared about and then all the sudden they throw you under the bus and use you only when they feel its beneficial to themselves. Others don't own up to their mistakes genuinely and disrespect your feelings, decisions, and life goals. All of this absolutely sucks...trust me, I know first hand.  The Webster's Dictionary definition of forgiveness is: "to cease to feel resentment against an offender. " To cease feeling resentment? That's a lot easier said than done. Have you ever really thought about that before? I started thinking a...