Road To Legacy

Rhinestones, heels, lipstick, all the pictures and little girls looking up to you and saying " I want to be you when I grow up!" is a lot of what being a titleholder looks like, but what about once the social media goes away, the crown gets put into the box until the next event, when does the title stop and the girl behind the title begins? Well let me tell you, it's not all that, there is a lot more beneath the crown. Beneath each and every crown, there is a woman, a girl with a mind to change the world no matter the obstacle. They are reporters, actresses, doctors, nuclear engineers, anything and everything in between. Underneath that, they are human. There will be times where they mess up and you know what? That's okay, the Miss America Organization, especially since the early 2000s have made Miss America extremely human and that is so good because so many times we get caught up in the title and forget that our name is "Lily", or "Anna" or ...

Jesus. Church. Go to service on Sundays and pay your ties and don't ever let someone see past your oversized sweater and suede ankle boots. All of that sounds so cliche but you know it's true. When I was going through the toughest part of my mental illness I was ashamed to call myself a Christian because of my depression. But what if I told you that Jesus gets us? He walked this earth for 33 years just so that He could one hundred percent get us when we cry out to Him in those 2 am hours. What if I told you that all He sees is a child that's just lost their way and needs to be held? In an article that I read recently on the The Spychiatry Resource named "Stigma and 7 Million American Christians with Depression" written by Len Lantz, he speaks about how mmany Christiains who suffer with the disorder. Even though Christianity is associated with lower Depression rates, it doesn't mean that everyone is going to be the same. I realised that I was depressed ver...

Hey there on this insanely hot June afternoon. Let's talk about the sentence "no". Yes, it is a statement, a full sentence and doesn't need any explaining or definition. No in itself should be enough and should be respected. Lately, I've been learning the hard way, how to say no to people and not being taught or even learning how to say no at a young age has gotten me in a lot of trouble, and consequences happen with decisions, good or bad. Not saying no landed me in the Emergency Room on Saturday afternoon. After going to urgent care because I had passed out, they said that I needed to go to the ER so I went. Found out that my heartrate was in the 120s, I was dehydrated, and overly exhuasted. It gotten to the point that my body was under so much stress that it was shutting down little by little. It was a wake up call for me and I was thinking, these last few months have been so difficult with relationships, work, grad school, and so many other things. I realiz...

It's been over a month since we last talked. So much has happened...too much. But sometimes for a glowstick to glow, it has to be shaken up and cracked. When a glowstick cracks to glow, it doesn't break, but it's broken just enough to see what's actually on the inside. That's currently where I'm at. Since 2020 when I started this blog, I told myself that I would be honest to anyone that would read and let them into my life a little at a time and maybe, just maybe, one might glean from my ever flowing wealth of experiences, stories, and anecdotes. A few months ago, it was the perfect storm. Think like a tornado, you have to have the right weather, temperature, wind speed, and humidity to create one. That's where I was. I was stabbed in the back by someone that I thought would never do that and created a cleft in my heart. Then, I went to the doctor and got a response that I didn't want. "Everything looks good." The doctor said," your thyr...

What happened to get me to this place? I look around and know that I'm worth so much more, but yet I feel stuck in one place constantly spreading myself thin like butter that's quickly melting on a piece of fresh toast. I feel translucent, vulnerable...melted. These past few weeks have been hard and I just don't know how to describe it in a professional way, I guess. I hit a breaking point, I've supressed too much and I guess it's finally gotten to me. If you've read anything from my blog, I've mentioned being a people pleaser, that's who I am. I've always been that way, from a child to now- a people pleaser. I'm an overachiever, a perfectionist and someone who is so goal oriented and motivated and sometimes it really does bite me in the back. I was taking care of so many other people that I didn't feel my own cup. I was like a little girl playing make believe, pouring from a teapot into cups that wasn't full except for something that I...

It's taken a while. A long while. In fact, I didn't even think I should even write about it because I didn't even think it was worth writing about. But, here I am, sitting here in my office, going back to relive a pretty hard time in my recent life. I gave up my Miss Southeastern Title almost a month ago. I thought I was ready, but as I stood there watching my farewell video and allowing the memories from the past thirteen months to flood through my brain, I would have fought tooth and nail for that title to still be mine. I broke down in front of hundreds of people hoping that my velvet green gown would distract from the clumping make up and quivering lip that was so unapologetically displayed. I cried taking off my crown for the last time, I put away my sash, not wanting to look at it ever again. I placed my crown on my book shelf and turned away, already surpressing that someone else was now Miss Southeastern. That Friday, I was okay. I kept myself pretty busy, working ...

  My name is Amanda and this is my story. Food and I have never really gotten along. In addition to being a severely picky eater, food was never really enjoyable for me. While the majority of the population treats food as a positive experience to spend time with friends and family, there are some people in the world who would rather avoid the hassle entirely. Guess which one I am? As I continued through high school and college, food got harder and my body image got worse. When my sophomore year of college came around, things were pretty rough. I had been diagnosed with anorexia and was seeing a therapist, dietician, and doctor. My friends and family knew I needed help, but they didn’t know what to do. The eating disorder voice was so loud. I spent the majority of each day thinking about food, or really how to avoid it. I stepped on a scale any chance I got, and couldn’t even think about my body without being disgusted. I had a goal weight in mind, and I was desperate to hit it. T...

  It started out safe. A lap around the circle outside my Livingston home, eating one burger instead of two. Then somehow, it all went downhill from there. The positive comments coming from my ballroom champion, miss Baton Rouge 1960 grandmother, my clothes fitting looser than before. It all stirred up the perfect storm. One lap turned into ten, 20 crunches turned into 400 crunches, and one burger turned into a spoon of peanut butter every two days. I was anorexic. I was addicted to the appearance of bones, thin. I remember going to see someone and their baby with my family, but before that we stopped at BabysRus and telling my sister I couldn't feel my thighs rub together when I walked. I was so conscious of my thighs. She looked at me so confused. From there, I don't remember much else besides the notebooks filled with scratches of a pen to stop me from self harming as much as I could because 16 year old me hated myself. Crying at night while I did wall sits becaus...

  NEDA week is here! My mental health and my eating is something I always struggled with. Growing up I don’t remember many parts of my childhood because I have mentally blocked out the times I struggled.  Growing up I would always wonder, why me? Why did I have to fight what felt like this all alone battle with myself, my body, and my self worth.  I don’t deserve this. It came down to always needing to be more, be better, feeling like I had no worth and a craving to be loved.   Anorexia and many other eating disorders for me personally had little to do with wanting to be small, but everything to do with not feeling good enough, comparison, and not being happy with something about myself on the inside. I look at these two photos. Now I am blessed that I am healthy and happy, in a great point of life, in healthy relationships, and have so much joy, passion and purpose.   I look back on me in the other photo, not genuine, struggling to smile, no...

 I found out five minutes before going live during worship night at my church. Just scrolling through my instagram stories and I see a friend share the post. Cheslie Kryst, Miss USA 2019, my first Miss USA, fell to her death in the early morning hours yesterday. What was I doing around that time? Getting ready to sing for worship service as one of the main singers. I was terrified, and so unknowing of what was going on in the world around me. Maybe if I had been on my phone and had seen her post, maybe I could have done something?  Her death has been felt around the world and to lose someone so young, so brilliant, and so loving- it's something that's incredibly hard to stomach. I'm sitting at work and I'm STILL looking at my phone, hoping that it was just a mean joke and she's alive and well. I still can't even comprehend.   Suicide. It's not a joke. It's not romantic. It's not something that people should take lightly. We are thirty one days into 2...

Christmas is known for the time of year, the traditions, the family get together, and wearing the festive sweaters and trying to make them look cute- even when you know that they aren't. Christmas was a little different for me this year. I actually loved the food.  As a kid, I remember eating so much during Christmas. The pound cake, and the honey glazed ham. Like the ham that I ate until I literally was sick, wasn't my best move. But going through an eating disorder and relapsing, I lost the love for holiday food. Our holidays are built around food, the entire American Culture is. I remember in recent years that I would sometimes shy away from the food at gatherings, unless I would get smaller portions, or skip on what used to be my favorite foods. Those foods made me anxious and all I saw were the numbers, and not the memories. But now, they don't. I caught myself going for seconds, seconds . I never used to do that. But now I do, and my food anxiety is almost gone. Yes, ...

 Here I am... five days from graduation. FIVE. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be the first person in my family to graduate, yet here I am. These past few years have not been a cakewalk. If anything, just the opposite.  These past few weeks, I have faced a ton of obstacles- especially mentally. I have been dragged by all limbs to ever corner of the world and I am tired.  Maybe tired is an understatement, but it's true. I have four jobs and two internships plus being a titleholder, sometimes my mental health gets put on the back burner and that shouldn't be taken lightly. But for a while... I did. With Christmas coming up, I stare at the Christmas decorations I have just put up and we are what? Like a week from Christmas? I know, I'm a little behind schedule, but I guess deep down I've buried the reason.  Last April was the last time I talked to my parents due to an extremely toxic situation. Last Christmas was the first Christmas ever ...

 I sit here on my couch, still in my pajamas, and wondering what the heck is going on with life. September has turned into the month of obstacles. From the hurricane to some personal situations. It hasn't been my month. My boyfriend described me as the "rock" in life. The one who is always level, always the same no matter what happens. And it's true, I am always the same person because I don't think that things should ever change my attitude. But sometimes... it's hard to be the rock. When you're a leader, you can show emotion, you can bend, but you can never break in public. No one should know what actually is effecting you. They see you as the one to go to, not the one that goes to someone else. That's what I am. Someone has a problem? Lily knows what to do. Someone doesn't want to have a conversation? It's okay, Lily will bring it up and she will figure out a goal. Lily is the one to give the effort. Not saying that I've broken, but I am...

 My state just went through something brutal: a Category four hurricane on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina that rampaged throughout the north shore and the New Orleans area, killing hundreds, and leaving thousands homeless. It took years to come back from and to be hit on the exact same day is insult to injury.  This was my first ever hurricane. I didn't know what to expect. The Sunday afternoon before the storm actually hit, the lights went out and we sat in the house and my heart pounded with every gust of wind that smashed into the windows. I sat in fetal position on the couch just waiting for something to happen. It was pitch black. The generator that was keeping the news going drowned out some of the noise, but the winds howled so loudly. When the spotlight was put on the trees, it looked like a giant was stirring a pot frantically trying not to let the bottom burn. It was terrifying . Later that night, water had crept up the road and for a while it was just at the m...

 Whenever I was younger, I always thought that I was supposed to be someone else. Then as I grew up, I became everything I set my mind to, every job that I ever attempted to get, I was hired. I placed in everything. I did good in everything I set my mind to. But yet I still felt that like I didn't deserve any of the accolades that I had achieved.  Welcome to Imposter Syndrome. Also known as Fraud Syndrome, imposter experience, impostorism (yes, it's spelled right). Whatever you might call this feeling, it's real. Imposter syndrome stems from the fear of failure. I was always a perfectionist growing up. I had to make straight A's, I had to be the top of my Homeschool Co-op class, and if I got lower than a ninety, I would freak out. I always felt that my worth was tied to everything that I did.  Being a titleholder, I knew that I was picked for a reason. The judges didn't make a mistake, it wasn't by accident. But sometimes, those little doubts DO creep in and try...

I sat here, looking at my blank computer screen just wondering how in the world would I even begin this next post. In all honesty, I could just shrug my shoulders and say "heck with it." and not even write about this topic, but... I believe that it needed to be talked about. Especially for me.  Forgiveness. It's a hard pill to swallow most times. Many of us have been hurt by people that we love, people that we watched out for, cared about and then all the sudden they throw you under the bus and use you only when they feel its beneficial to themselves. Others don't own up to their mistakes genuinely and disrespect your feelings, decisions, and life goals. All of this absolutely sucks...trust me, I know first hand.  The Webster's Dictionary definition of forgiveness is: "to cease to feel resentment against an offender. " To cease feeling resentment? That's a lot easier said than done. Have you ever really thought about that before? I started thinking a...

 Hi again... I know, it's been a while and I didn't mean for that to happen, but it did. Life just caught up with me and everything finally has been able to be caught up with, neatly put in a planner and put away in a basket. Life is back to normal...almost. Miss Louisiana was officially a month ago and what a week that was. So many memories made, walls broken through and decisions made and hearts made to be put at peace.  I say that last little phrase because I'm not used to being unplaced. In everything I've ever done I've always placed, except for maybe that talent show during my first year at bible camp with a red head that thought we could be the country duo Maddie and Tae. But in everything else I've always been in the top half of competition- whether it be in broadcast, writing, journalist, talent etc. I've never lost. I know that sounds crazy but it's true.  I don't know what it's like to truly lose. Well yeah, the LSU vs. Bama game back ...

 Dear Younger Me,  Honestly, I don't know where to start. There are so many things that come to mind, but I guess I should start out simply and truthfully. Life isn't everything that the movies make it out to be. It isn't the fairytales that you read. Life is hard, real hard. You're going to go through so much- things you wouldn't even have thought of. You're going to cry, you're going to feel pain and there will be days where you feel like you can't make it any longer. This will go on for a few years. Your life will feel miserable. There's a but in there, no worries. Within all these hard things, there are rainbows. There are days with snow flurries where you'll realize that everything will be alright. Life isn't all horrible, in it all, there will be beauty. You are strong, you are a one of a kind person- even if you feel like you are the most basic blonde headed girl in the room- you are someone special. You just don't realize it just ...

Good morning on this beautiful June morning. I've been up since 4 am because I have started a new summer job at my local gym, taking the morning shifts that begin at 5:15 am. That being said, tired is understatement. Starting out, I was fine, and then my life turned upside down- more than it has been since I won the Miss Southeastern Crown.      Miss Louisiana is in in 13 days, so that means extra prep time, practices, buying things for so many people- including myself. And it doesn't stop there. My life is hectic, working two jobs, and then moving out of my old apartment into a new one within two days (it's still not done by the way, boxes are EVERYWHERE). I have several appearances in the next week and a half, appointments to get myself looking my best and last minute touches on talent. Waking up before the sun even comes up. It gets a little overwhelming sometimes. I look back on the school year and I ask myself: " how in the world did I manage everything that I did...

 Life. It's sometimes sucky. It's sometimes the greatest thing since sliced bread and Betty White. Other times, it's just plan awful and you want a restart button. Life changes constantly, and sometimes that's what makes it so horrible.  Change can be anything. Change can be as small as changing what coffee cup you drink out of, or as big as your boyfriend graduating without you when you were supposed to graduate with him. Change is hard.  That's where I'm at right now. My whole life feels like it's spiraling into something that I can't control- and usually I'm okay with that, but being a titleholder and becoming accustomed to having everything planned out literal months in advance and having everything done and prepared for has spoiled me. I know what's about to hit me. I know what's coming, and that's why nothing can catch me off guard and blindside me. But this... I was never prepared for this. I mean I thought I was. But I'm not. ...